


The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Medieval Theme Park

by foolishghoul



Category: Medieval Land Fun-Time World (Video)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 07:58:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2805281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foolishghoul/pseuds/foolishghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In hindsight, getting a forty-five foot Christmas tree was probably not the best decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Medieval Theme Park

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ViaLethe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViaLethe/gifts).



> For the record, Anna = Arya, Mel = Melisandre, Stan = Stannis, Karl = Khal Drogo, Sandra = Sansa, Vincent = Viserys. I figured most of these were obvious, but I wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page. 
> 
> Also, thank you ViaLethe for requesting this canon! You are awesome, hands-down. I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it!

Eddie Stark was feeling great. Today was the day. No, today was _his_ day. It was the day that he would finally get enough money from Medieval Land Fun-Time World to get Anna her toenail transplants. He had always dreamed that he would one day run a successful Medieval theme park, and now his dream was coming true, kind of.

If he was honest with himself, there was a part of him that thought this day would never come. A big part of him. Most of him, really. In fact, he was still shocked that Medieval Land Fun-Time World had made any money at all. After the kitten meat debacle, the Tilt-A-Whirl incident, and that fiasco with the bird show, Eddie had been sure that Medieval Land Fun-Time World would never even open.

But it had, and the people had come. Not as many as Eddie would have liked, and a month after opening two new theme parks had opened up around town (the Pioneer Prairie across the street and the Viking Village a mile down the road), but Medieval Land Fun-Time World did draw in enough business to keep it afloat.

Of course, there had been setbacks. Like the time Denise accidentally set the Tarot Tent on fire. Or the time Mel accidentally set the Feudal Forest Frolic on fire. Or the time Stan accidentally set the Barbarossa Bumper Boats on fire.

Actually, most of the setbacks had been fire-related, which had eventually led to Eddie banning any type of live flame from the park, authenticity be damned. The number of fires had decreased dramatically, as did the number of passive aggressive emails from Mr. Lannister, so Eddie considered it a wise decision.

With all the repairs and accidents, the only reason that Medieval Land Fun-Time World had been able to make any money at all over the holiday season had been due to Eddie’s quick thinking. He had noticed that the Pioneer Prairie and Viking Village had been drawing away more business than usual with their holiday celebrations. Pioneer Prairie had their Winter Wagon, a covered wagon decked out in colored lights and tinsel that went around the park throwing candy canes at visitors. Viking Village had their Holiday Horde, a parade of rowdy vikings that ran through the park, stuffing people into sacks and then giving them presents.

It took him a week into December, but Eddie had been able to finally come up with something for his park.

“The biggest Christmas tree in the county!” Eddie had told Mr. Lannister. “Forty-five feet tall and completely decorated.”

Despite Eddie’s enthusiasm, Mr. Lannister had seemed less than impressed.

“Why not the biggest Christmas tree in the state? Surely that would bring even more visitors.”

“I already looked into that,” Eddie had explained, “but the biggest Christmas tree in the state is owned by some farmer out in East County. It’s ninety feet tall, people don’t even know how he did it. Trust me, the biggest tree in the county will be good enough for everyone around here.”

Mr. Lannister’s face had pinched, but in the end Eddie got the money he needed and the Christmas tree he wanted. And even better, he had been proven right. Since the tree went up visitors had been coming into the park by the dozens, lured in by Yelp reviews with gems such as, “The park was meh, but the tree was awesome!!!” and “I had to stand in line at the William the Conqueror's Corn Dog Castle for over an hour, but at least I had a great view of that Christmas tree.”

Eddie smiled as he walked past the tree and into the throne room for the daily pre-opening meeting. Terry was just finishing up his now regular derailment with the blues, and Eddie walked up to the throne.

“Okay everybody, just a few quick announcements before we open. First, I would like everyone to know that we always have extra condiments in the stockroom. Always. I looked in there yesterday after somebody told me we were out of mustard and there were three boxes of mustard in there, all unopened. Please, do not ask me where the mustard is, or any other condiment, unless you've checked the stockroom first.”

“Second, will everyone please stop napping in the stables. Karl tells me that the horses don’t like it, and I don’t want anyone to get trampled.”

“Finally,” Eddie said, and he heard a small cheer go up in the room, “I just wanted to remind everyone about the holiday party tonight. It starts at eight, in the throne room. Remember that if you signed up for the Secret Santa exchange you will have to bring your present to the party, otherwise you won’t be able to sign up next year. Okay, that’s it!”

The people in the throne room dispersed to their assigned stations, ready for the park to open. The day was mostly uneventful, at least compared to usual. Only three people came up to him looking for condiment refills, instead of the usual ten to twelve. Denise cornered him at Joust-For-Fun and talked at length about how her brother was with Johnny Schotzman again (personally, Eddie thought that Vincent’s insistence on getting together with a Capricorn was odd, but it also wasn't his business, despite Denise’s constant attempts to make it his business). Jimmy asked Eddie for his thoughts about Jimmy’s new project, a working Refrigerator-Radio (“A refrigeradio,” Jimmy whispered. “You can talk to people while you look for food.” Eddie didn't feel like explaining that people can already do that, with a telephone, so instead he just said, “Yeah, uh, sounds great,” and walked away).

The Tithe-itron got stuck, again, trapping some people inside for thirty minutes until Karl managed to pry the door open with a crowbar. Eddie had to give those people their money back, but the cost was made up when an actual field trip stopped by. That was a good sign. If they could work the field trip circuit, Medieval Land Fun-Time World would be set for years.

As the park finally closed, without anything too weird happening, Eddie was uneasy. Usually there was at least something, some mess or repair or other problem, that kept him at the park hours after closing. The feeling slowly left him as he locked up the fence and drove away, though he kept watching his rear-view mirror just in case the park spontaneously burst into flames. 

After he picked up Anna from home and they were driving back to the park for the party, Eddie had forgotten his worries entirely. He let Anna run around the empty park until the caterers showed up, and by then more and more people were streaming into the throne room. Eddie ate, laughed, and watched everyone celebrate with something like pride. It felt nice to be the one to bring all of these people together, even if Denise and Vincent were fighting about Secret Santa presents (but probably Johnny Schotzman, really) and Jojo was insulting everybody.

Once everyone had arrived, Eddie went to the front of the room and stood up on the throne, clinking his glass with a fork. “Everyone! Everyone! I have an announcement to make!”

Slowly, but surely, the hall quieted down and all eyes were on Eddie. 

“I just wanted to say that it’s thanks to everyone here, and all your hard work, that we ever got this far. If it wasn't for you guys and everything that you do, the park would have closed in a month and my daughter Anna would be years away from getting her new toenails! So I just want to say thank -”

Before he could finish his sentence, Eddie noticed Ferris slide up beside him.

“Hey boss? Thought you might want to know that some of the guys are getting kind of crazy outside, okay?”

Eddie sighed. “Who is it?”

“You know, some of the guys. Bobby. Sam. Petey’s out there, too.”

Nothing good could come from that combination of people. Eddie jumped off the throne and dashed outside. Sure enough, what he saw was nothing good at all.

Bobby B was standing at the base of the Christmas tree, his arms wrapped around it.

“Just watch, White Lightning!” he called over to Sam. “Five dollars says I can lift this tree!”

Eddie watched in horror as Bobby tried to pick up the tree. A small shudder climbed through the branches while Bobby grunted, his face turning red.

“Bobby! What are you doing?” Eddie yelled. Bobby let go of the tree and gave Eddie a wave. “Oh, hey Eddie. Just tryin to show White Lightning here how it’s done. Like the good old days, right?”

Before Eddie could explain to Bobby why that was such a horrible idea, he heard something that made his stomach drop.

“Hey everyone, I can lift the tree!”

Eddie turned to see Petey driving at the Christmas tree, full speed, in a forklift. A forklift that Eddie happened to know was defective. A forklift that he had put out in the back of the park, behind a fence, with a big sign on it that said, “Do not use. Defective. Does not stop.”

Eddie jogged up to the side of the forklift. “Petey! You have to get out of there! It can’t stop!”

Petey slammed his foot on the brake and looked over at Eddie. “This is really dangerous, geez, somebody should have said something.”

The forklift was now mere feet away from the tree, and Eddie was losing his breath. “You have to jump, Petey!”

Without even taking a moment to think about the idea, Petey abandoned the forklift and slammed directly into Eddie. Going down with a loud, “Oof!” Eddie pushed Petey off of him and jumped to his feet to watch, futilely, as the forklift slammed into the Christmas tree. And immediately burst into flames. Of course.

For a moment, it looked like the tree might stand. But then, with a loud snap, it began to fall.

“Get out of the way!” Eddie yelled as everyone scattered. He heard Bobby call out, “Timber!” and then the Christmas tree, Eddie’s forty-five foot tall money maker, slammed into the ground.

When the smoke cleared, Eddie surveyed the damages. The Merovingian Mac and Cheese hut was destroyed, as was the Chaucer Chopper and the Templar Tornado. Now, the money that he had been counting on, the money for Anna’s new toenails, would have to go to repairs. Eddie’s dismay must have shown on his face as he looked at the smashed buildings, because Terry walked up to him and said, “Yo, Eddie, you okay?”

Eddie didn't sigh. He didn't do anything. He just mumbled, “No, I’m not. I’m resigning. Everyone can go home now,” and walked away. He didn't hear anything anyone said as he walked into his office and sat in his chair.

Turning on his computer, Eddie stared at his background (a picture of him and Anna at the entrance to Medieval Land Fun-Time World on opening day) and opened his browser.

With a few clicks he was at the re-enrollment page for West County Finger-painting College. He hovered his cursor over the “ENROLL NOW!” button. 

He had been crazy to think that Medieval Land Fun-Time World could ever work. Crazy to think that he could ever get those people to cooperate. Crazy to think that his dream could ever come true.

There was a small knock on his door. “Whoever it is, please leave me alone.”

Hearing the door creak open, Eddie turned to see Anna standing there.

“Oh, sorry, honey. I didn't know it was you.”

Anna walked up to him. “Dad, are you okay? It’s really dark in here.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Eddie said, trying not to sigh too heavily. He walked over to the light switch and flicked it on then knelt in front of Anna. “We just might have to put off your toenail transplant for a few more months. And I might be going back to finger-painting college. I think it’s time to give up on Medieval Land Fun-Time World.”

“But you hated finger-painting school. And you love this place.”

Eddie sighed and shook his head. “I know, honey. But if I don’t make some money soon, I’m never going to be able to get you your new toenails. If I became a professional finger-painter, we'd have all the money we needed.”

Anna wrapped her arms around him, into a strong hug.

“It’s okay, dad,” she whispered, “I don’t need new toenails that much, I’m used to the slipperiness. I just want you to be happy.”

Eddie smiled and hugged his daughter. He heard another knock on the door, and looked up. Denise stood in the doorway with barely concealed excitement.

“Denise? What are you doing here? I told everyone they could go home.”

“Mr. Eddie, you have to come downstairs! You will be so freaked out, but in a good way.”

Eddie looked down at Anna. They both shrugged at each other and then followed Denise out of the office.

Everyone was waiting for him down at the throne room. Even Mr. Pycelle, though he was snoring in the corner.

“Okay, I’m here. What did you guys want to tell me?”

Denise gestured to Jimmy, who handed her an envelope, which she then presented to Eddie. Eddie stared at it, then at the people standing around him. “What’s this?”

“Open it up!” she said with a smile. “It’s your Secret Santa gift. You will so love it.”

"But I didn't sign up for the Secret Santa-"

Terry tore the envelope out of Denise's hand and shoved it into Eddie. "Come on, man, just open it, we all got stuff to do and food to eat."

Eddie gently tore open the envelope. A small piece of paper was folded inside of it. As Eddie opened the paper, he realized it was a check. A check with more zeroes in the amount than Eddie had ever seen before. It was certainly more money than he'd ever gotten from Mr. Lannister.

Gaping at the check, Eddie asked, “How did you guys manage this?”

“Everyone put cash in,” Denise said, turning to the assembled group. “Even Jojo. It should be enough to fix everything and for Anna’s toenail surgery, right?”

“Yeah, more than enough, I think.” Eddie kept staring at the check until he caught what Denise had said. “Wait, even Jojo?” 

Scanning the room, Eddie found Jojo, who just crossed his arms and said, “Yeah, yeah, who even cares?”

“It was Jimmy who put in the most money,” Sam said. Ferris chimed in with, “Yeah, like...almost all of it.”

Eddie whipped around to see Jimmy standing very close behind him. “Jimmy, where did you get that kind of money?”

Jimmy squinted his eyes. “The government bought my gravity belt prototype months ago. I've been wondering what to spend the money on. This...seemed like a good investment. Plus I can count it as a tax write-off.”

Eddie looked at all the people gathered around him. The people who had come close to destroying his dream, on many separate occasions. Many, many separate occasions. The same people who had just saved his dream, and the toenails of his daughter. He smiled.

With Anna by his side, beaming up at him, it felt kind of like home.


End file.
